Abandoned/Neglected Blog?

I have plenty to blog about, but for some reason, I am having an emotional block.  All is well at the present. Devoting lots of love and attention to my little one. But, don't count me out just yet. I'm still good for a post or two. Just got to summon up enough physical and emotional energy. Chat with you soon!

We've Come This Far By Faith!

I forgot to mention that last Wednesday was my baby's birthday! And, what a blessing it was to be able to celebrate that day, especially given the circumstances! We were equally blessed to have many friends and family commemorating that day, right alongside us! It's amazing that it went so well, considering I wasn't sure we'd be able to have the celebration due to the plans for my daughter's treatment being up in the air. But, I knew I had to make it happen somehow. My daughter has been asking about her birthday and for a party since last year, when she had a co-party/celebration with a cousin. Prior to then, it had just been an intimate gathering at my mom's. But, since my mom is no longer with us, that wasn't an option any longer. And, since she's going thru so much now, every birthday we reach is just that much important! I wanted her to be surrounded by love and a reminder, at her toughest moments, that she's not alone and has a great deal of people supporting her... I'm SO thankful that, by God, we were able to accomplish that goal! I look forward to the next birthday and the countless ones beyond this point...as always, to God be the glory!!!!!!!

The Latest

So, I feel badly for taking so long to update you. I don't think it's fair to ask for your prayers and not let you know what has happened since (with my little one). Well, we're doing chemo again. They think they can shrink it to get more of the tumor. I'm not sure why it's taken me so long to get back to you, except that these things are difficult to discuss. Also, I've been trying to work on being more present with my daughter. I feel that all the responsibilities of being an adult rob us of the opportunity to enjoy life and be present in the moment. I'll never forget how one of my parents expressed regret when learning that they would likely soon lose their life. I remember them saying that they would do some things differently... I don't want to leave this life with major regrets. I want to savor as much as I can! I want to enjoy my little one, rather than spending my life trying to provide for her...or, spending it planning for some date in the future to actually begin living and obtaining those irreplaceable memories. Each day, I'm working towards these goals and am getting rather impatient each day I haven't fully figured out how to make it happen. Instead of my maternal biological clock, now, I'm hearing father time saying "tomorrow/one day is toda!". So, about face!

Where Things Stand

Where Things Stand

We met with the doctor Monday. He says the tumor (I have no time to be illusive or to hint around about the illness right now, so I'm just going to say it this time) has significantly shrunken. The oncologists and surgeons were supposed to meet Wednesday to determine if any/all can be safely removed by surgery. I'm waiting to hear back from the doctor... prayers appreciated!

I'm Not Done Yet

I'm not done blogging. I'm taking care of my daughter and giving my attention to her care. Please, bear with me. Prayers are always welcomed and solicited! Thanks for your patience!

We Don't Use THAT Word! (Completed)

... that's what we tell the medical team providing treatment and others we (mostly I) come into contact with. But, let's back up for a second and discuss why I (with some trepidation) have decided to share. Well, I am hoping to be helpful to others in some way and to help others dispose of their fears. Afterall, it's not the easiest subject to discuss, but I think it's important to do so... Stay Tuned for the rest of the post (if I don't get cold feet).

Update:

If you believe in the power of the mind, you'll fully get where I'm coming from. Our journey began about 3 months ago.  My toddler began complaining of stomach aches. We had been back and forth between her PCP and the emergency room. Several hypotheses were given about the root of the issue, as well as multiple medications for relief. Then, approximately 2 months ago, she began complaining again. And, like many times before, she began doubling over in pain. I called the after hours number for her pediatrician's clinic. The after hours nurses were from the local children's hospital. The nurse, answering the call, encouraged me to bring my daughter in to that local hospital; however, we had recently been there (the previous day) and the X-ray showed nothing remarkable. I explained that I was concerned that the hospital would just do another X-ray and send us back home. The nurse explained that it was my call and advised that if the pain continued or worsened, I should bring my toddler in. I tried to persuade my little one that we would just wait until the next morning (it was already 11:30 pm) and go to her pediatrician. My 3 year-old, adamantly, insisted that we go to the hospital. I thought it over for a minute and figured she just wanted to play on the cool games in the waiting room. When I asked her if this was the reason for her insisting, my 3 year-old stated "no, I think we need to go to the hospital so that they can find out what's wrong with me". I don't know about you, but anytime a 3 year-old is unconcerned about games and can articulate that well, I think it's time to go! So, we did just that, and thank God that we did! For, it was that night (actually early the next morning) that my daughter was given a diagnosis that rocked me to the very core! How does one grieve properly from the loss of both parents (5 months between) and a grandparent (plus, both in-laws within the past 3 years), if, now, another family member is given a similar diagnosis?!! How?! Anyone out there got an answer for this one? I know, solely, by The Grace of God...The Grace of God that sends support your way! How do I still stand?...on Christ, The Solid Rock, is the only way I know to explain it!. So, from the very beginning, I insisted that we do not use THAT word in reference. As a Christian, foremost, and as a therapist, secondly, I know the power of word and belief! So, that's where we currently stand...on our faith and the power of positivity. After all, I know that my daughter, who was involved with me in the final care of her grandparents (also accompanied me to pretty much all of her grandmother's appointments), takes a cue from me to process all of this on her own and to form her own belief about the Next Chapter (like how I did that?...well, that was just God right then and there...ha! My God's good!) of her life! And, I see a beautiful autobiography, full of an outstanding testimony! Shall we hang on for the ride together?

Inadequate: Updated

I feel inadequate. But, first, let me pause to clarify. I'm not struggling from low self-esteem (been there, done that elementary thru HS... I'm over it). The greys on my head give me permission to not be caught up so much (although I'm not completely cured) in the opinions of others... I'm feeling pretty comfortable in my own skin these days--in terms of character. Neither am I suicidal. And, trust me, as a therapist, who has walked/talked plenty off the ledge and have had those both with unsuccessful and successful attempts, I most definitely do not mean to make light of suicidality. But, now that we've gotten that part out of the way, I feel inadequate... Unfinished Post (To Be Completed Today... stay tuned)

Update:

Ok, so here it is in the wee A.M. hour and I sit across the room from my toddler, fast asleep. She's bathed and resting well. I know because I am constantly watching the dance of her chest rising. You'd think that would be enough to satisfy me. But, my thoughts that I need to finish this entry are interrupted by thoughts that I should be lying beside her. She is quite clingy lately, as she should be. She needs her momma! Don't all little ones? Ahhh, but my toddler's circumstances are just a little different than most (like how I leave you with a cliff hanger?). As much as I try to be, and as much daily practice as I get, I haven't mastered the art of juggling...juggling my own personal post-grief resiliency, career/work, wifehood (if Beyonce' can invent "bootilicious," I don't see why I can't invent a word too--so, as I was saying--wifehood--next to be in Websters' Dictionary), and motherhood. My sense of inadequacy haunts me daily, as I'm delivering my daughter's daily meds. Inadequacy says I should, instead, be spending the time interacting with her. Afterall, she has already told me that I am always doing something (Ugh! Tear up my heart in a billion pieces and scatter them in the wind).  I know, I know...what's the big deal right? All parents have to make a sacrifice to take care of their kids, right? But, in my world/my life, where I have experienced grief left and right (and, I only shared with you the losses related to a similar disease. But, sprinkle in loss by other methods, and you'd ask me why am I not in a mental hospital. I know b/c I wonder the same), the frailty (?) of life is the real deal...not something on one of those Carpe Diem or YOLO commercials.You see, I've seen a parent completely strong and self-sufficient until, maybe a month before the loss. So, I realize that the expectation of tomorrow is an illusion. Now, don't get me wrong, I look forward to an eternal glory. But, honestly, I'm not out looking for it! But, I digress. What is my point here (No, really, what is it...focus, Camille)? You know, I see other moms (I know--comparison and all its evils...but, do you want me to be honest here?) and wonder how they manage to hold it all together. Well, I'll tell you what you won't find here:

Deficits:

• A house that is spotless, or even tidy on some days (did I mention I have a 3 year-old?)
• A child that is bathed every single day--some days we compensate with wipe downs/sponge baths...if she doesn't fall asleep first (am I alone? I'm sure no other mom does this.)
• A well-rested, refreshed mother...my days are filled with working 8 hrs--often followed by at least 2 additional hrs (which I am very much grateful for), trying to fit in time in-between to run errands/pay bills, cook find a drive thru/take-out meal, cleaning (whatever I can manage to clean--be it laundry, the house, or a behind...sorry, but honesty), stealing 15 minutes of alone/me time (more of an aspiration than a reality), etc. But, I DO know how good I have it, so I try to maintain an attitude of gratitude as best I can.
• A lack of guilt--guilt for not checking on friends and family that run through my mind.
• A completed checklist--I used to have checklists and alarms on my phone (actually still have the phone alarms) to remind me to check other lists or reminders. But, then, I decided to stop this madness...let you know how that turns out. Lol.

So, I think that's a good list to begin with. What about you out there? Can you help a sista out and share, so I don't feel so alone in the struggle? Thank you all for checking out my blog. If you're new, be sure to check out the other posts. Also, I have more planned in the near future (God-willing), so you may want to keep checking to see where I'm going with all this. The love you are giving to me by supporting me, I give back to you in gratitude...a big, fat thanks!!

Oh yeah...what would make this blog better, or what would make you interested in following (i.e., more pictures, a certain type of content, etc.)?