Inadequate: Updated

I feel inadequate. But, first, let me pause to clarify. I'm not struggling from low self-esteem (been there, done that elementary thru HS... I'm over it). The greys on my head give me permission to not be caught up so much (although I'm not completely cured) in the opinions of others... I'm feeling pretty comfortable in my own skin these days--in terms of character. Neither am I suicidal. And, trust me, as a therapist, who has walked/talked plenty off the ledge and have had those both with unsuccessful and successful attempts, I most definitely do not mean to make light of suicidality. But, now that we've gotten that part out of the way, I feel inadequate... Unfinished Post (To Be Completed Today... stay tuned)

Update:

Ok, so here it is in the wee A.M. hour and I sit across the room from my toddler, fast asleep. She's bathed and resting well. I know because I am constantly watching the dance of her chest rising. You'd think that would be enough to satisfy me. But, my thoughts that I need to finish this entry are interrupted by thoughts that I should be lying beside her. She is quite clingy lately, as she should be. She needs her momma! Don't all little ones? Ahhh, but my toddler's circumstances are just a little different than most (like how I leave you with a cliff hanger?). As much as I try to be, and as much daily practice as I get, I haven't mastered the art of juggling...juggling my own personal post-grief resiliency, career/work, wifehood (if Beyonce' can invent "bootilicious," I don't see why I can't invent a word too--so, as I was saying--wifehood--next to be in Websters' Dictionary), and motherhood. My sense of inadequacy haunts me daily, as I'm delivering my daughter's daily meds. Inadequacy says I should, instead, be spending the time interacting with her. Afterall, she has already told me that I am always doing something (Ugh! Tear up my heart in a billion pieces and scatter them in the wind).  I know, I know...what's the big deal right? All parents have to make a sacrifice to take care of their kids, right? But, in my world/my life, where I have experienced grief left and right (and, I only shared with you the losses related to a similar disease. But, sprinkle in loss by other methods, and you'd ask me why am I not in a mental hospital. I know b/c I wonder the same), the frailty (?) of life is the real deal...not something on one of those Carpe Diem or YOLO commercials.You see, I've seen a parent completely strong and self-sufficient until, maybe a month before the loss. So, I realize that the expectation of tomorrow is an illusion. Now, don't get me wrong, I look forward to an eternal glory. But, honestly, I'm not out looking for it! But, I digress. What is my point here (No, really, what is it...focus, Camille)? You know, I see other moms (I know--comparison and all its evils...but, do you want me to be honest here?) and wonder how they manage to hold it all together. Well, I'll tell you what you won't find here:

Deficits:

• A house that is spotless, or even tidy on some days (did I mention I have a 3 year-old?)
• A child that is bathed every single day--some days we compensate with wipe downs/sponge baths...if she doesn't fall asleep first (am I alone? I'm sure no other mom does this.)
• A well-rested, refreshed mother...my days are filled with working 8 hrs--often followed by at least 2 additional hrs (which I am very much grateful for), trying to fit in time in-between to run errands/pay bills, cook find a drive thru/take-out meal, cleaning (whatever I can manage to clean--be it laundry, the house, or a behind...sorry, but honesty), stealing 15 minutes of alone/me time (more of an aspiration than a reality), etc. But, I DO know how good I have it, so I try to maintain an attitude of gratitude as best I can.
• A lack of guilt--guilt for not checking on friends and family that run through my mind.
• A completed checklist--I used to have checklists and alarms on my phone (actually still have the phone alarms) to remind me to check other lists or reminders. But, then, I decided to stop this madness...let you know how that turns out. Lol.

So, I think that's a good list to begin with. What about you out there? Can you help a sista out and share, so I don't feel so alone in the struggle? Thank you all for checking out my blog. If you're new, be sure to check out the other posts. Also, I have more planned in the near future (God-willing), so you may want to keep checking to see where I'm going with all this. The love you are giving to me by supporting me, I give back to you in gratitude...a big, fat thanks!!

Oh yeah...what would make this blog better, or what would make you interested in following (i.e., more pictures, a certain type of content, etc.)?